'Potato Strips' #1: "Clown"
Monday, September 28, 2020
Monday, July 20, 2020
Weightless: Welcome Back, Rugrat
With the release of my brand new song, Weightless, today marks the day I make my official return to music. I'm officially in album mode, as they say. But how did I get here? My last album was in 2015, what's up with the giant time gap? From 2011 to 2015, I released four albums under the name Rugrat. From 2016 to 2020, so far, it's been crickets (no pun intended on track 8 of my underachiever album). A lot has changed since I was in my musical heyday of the early 2010's. Hell, I was also doing YouTube videos, working full time + attending college full time as well. Without getting into too many gloomy details, let's just say my life went off the rails for a bit around 2016 and to this day I'm still working to be able to say I'm happy again, whatever that means. I had the time of my life making those YouTube videos and all those albums. I met some of the best people I've ever met because of my decision to get into the music scene. People like Prophet Ghost, MC Lars, Tonezee, UpWords, The Nerdlucks, and I even got to connect with some family members of whom I had never met before. That happened because of music (shoutout to Daredevil Dekeman!) and I'll forever be grateful for all of it. Then, somewhere between 2015 and 2016, it all stopped.
Like I said, I'd rather not get into allll the details, for I haven't even worked through everything yet and I'd rather not project into something like this blog that's supposed to be positive. But while I aim for positivity, I can't ignore the elephant in the room. Let me explain. It was 2017, and I felt like everything in my life was literally spiraling out of control. Everything I thought I had, I didn't. Everything I worked so hard for seemingly fell apart. The last thing I wanted to do was do anything creative. What was supposed to be my 2016/2017 album Paper Raps never happened, I hadn't filmed anything for YouTube in at least three years, I'd dropped out of college because of mental health problems, my role model/mentor/boss/father figure got let go from the job I'd had since 2006 and I didn't know what the hell I was doing anymore.
It was the morning of July 20th, 2017, and I go outside to find that my car had been repossessed because of missed payments. Mental breakdown #1 that day. I call into work and say that I can't make it in because I don't have a car. They threaten to fire me because I 'could just call an Uber' and that it's my 'responsibility to be there.' I explain that I didn't have a dime to my name, and if I did, I would have Ubered in the first place and that my car payments would be taken care of. They didn't care, and said we needed to talk tomorrow. Mental breakdown #2. I do my best to compose myself and not just spend the whole day a wreck so I boot up my Xbox and listen to Tyler, The Creator's new Flower Boy album & Jay Z's new 4:44 album. Trying to get in a zone and I pause my game, log into Twitter, only to find that the lead singer from Linkin Park had passed away. I couldn't believe it. I grew up listening to Hybrid Theory and Meteora. That absolutely devastated me. It didn't take too long to see what his cause of death was. Suicide. Mental breakdown #3. That one sent me. Without saying too much, it sent me to the edge that day. I, too, attempted, and thank God I failed.
The last radio hit Linkin Park had was called Heavy. That song has always hit different, and after that day, it became almost impossible to listen to. Heavy was Chester's cry for help, singing "I wanna let go, but there's comfort in the panic." I named my song Weightless because, well, it's my way of trying to leave that negative space that became so comfortable. That dark space that Chester, unfortunately, wasn't able to escape. Something being weightless is literally the opposite of being heavy. So in a way, Chester helped me write this song. Trying to overcome those struggles is the main inspiration for Weightless.
Later this year I'll finally release my new album Exhale. Because after all I've been through, I just need to take a deep breath and let it out. I'm grateful to have music to help me do that. July 20th has always been a challenging day for me since then, but today and moving forward I'm taking it back. This song is also for Chester, may he rest in peace, and everyone else who struggles with mental health. It's hard as shit to overcome, I know. I still have frequent panic attacks to this day. But every day is a journey and another chance for things to look up. It won't always be so heavy. I'm trying hard to be weightless.<3
-john. happy weightless day.
It was the morning of July 20th, 2017, and I go outside to find that my car had been repossessed because of missed payments. Mental breakdown #1 that day. I call into work and say that I can't make it in because I don't have a car. They threaten to fire me because I 'could just call an Uber' and that it's my 'responsibility to be there.' I explain that I didn't have a dime to my name, and if I did, I would have Ubered in the first place and that my car payments would be taken care of. They didn't care, and said we needed to talk tomorrow. Mental breakdown #2. I do my best to compose myself and not just spend the whole day a wreck so I boot up my Xbox and listen to Tyler, The Creator's new Flower Boy album & Jay Z's new 4:44 album. Trying to get in a zone and I pause my game, log into Twitter, only to find that the lead singer from Linkin Park had passed away. I couldn't believe it. I grew up listening to Hybrid Theory and Meteora. That absolutely devastated me. It didn't take too long to see what his cause of death was. Suicide. Mental breakdown #3. That one sent me. Without saying too much, it sent me to the edge that day. I, too, attempted, and thank God I failed.
The last radio hit Linkin Park had was called Heavy. That song has always hit different, and after that day, it became almost impossible to listen to. Heavy was Chester's cry for help, singing "I wanna let go, but there's comfort in the panic." I named my song Weightless because, well, it's my way of trying to leave that negative space that became so comfortable. That dark space that Chester, unfortunately, wasn't able to escape. Something being weightless is literally the opposite of being heavy. So in a way, Chester helped me write this song. Trying to overcome those struggles is the main inspiration for Weightless.
Later this year I'll finally release my new album Exhale. Because after all I've been through, I just need to take a deep breath and let it out. I'm grateful to have music to help me do that. July 20th has always been a challenging day for me since then, but today and moving forward I'm taking it back. This song is also for Chester, may he rest in peace, and everyone else who struggles with mental health. It's hard as shit to overcome, I know. I still have frequent panic attacks to this day. But every day is a journey and another chance for things to look up. It won't always be so heavy. I'm trying hard to be weightless.<3
-john. happy weightless day.
Sunday, May 3, 2020
Waiting in the Buffet Line
Memories of a forgotten Rugrat project that never was.
Following my October 2015 album release, underachiever (and proud of it), I was feeling a bit burned out from music. I had released 4 albums in 5 years dating back to 2011 with hardly anything to show for it. Juggling so much musical output on top working full time took its mental toll for sure, but I was very satisfied and happy with my own personal successes. Rugrat is something I never want to give up, as it gives me an outlet not a lot of people have. I'm grateful for that and for the music I've grown so fond of. Hip hop and rap as an art form is truly an amazing form of expression and release of emotions. That in itself can be so powerful if used correctly. So many aspiring artists use it for fame and fortune, but I've always used it as a way to express myself in a way I was never able to do before. Yeah, I'd throw in a braggadocio track now and again, but that's embedded within the naturally competitive nature that is rap music. I love that and the freedom music brings, especially in hip hop.
I've gone through an incredible DIY musical journey over the years, from starting off with really just goofing off on my first album trying to recreate the 'nerdcore' sound I'd learned from artists such as MC Lars and mc chris to trying to get more personal and deep on successive projects but always trying to put my own spin on it (or add my own 'flavor', as MC Lars would say). I started off wanting to be like mc chris but found myself along the way. The deeper I got into my music, the more I grew as an artist. I really came full circle on album 4 when the artist I tried to emulate on album 1 agreed to do album 4's intro. That was something really special to me. Thank you, Chris.
But then somewhere along the line, maybe it was during the recording of underachiever or sometime soon after, I felt a strong mental burnout happening. I remember it wasn't until early 2016 when I even started thinking of the possibility of a new album. Then it hit me. I wasn't going to record and release another typical Rugrat album. It was going to be different. It was going to be new. It was going to be completely out of my comfort zone, and I was excited.
If you've ever listened to the Beastie Boys, you know that they are extremely experimental and outside the box. They pride themselves off that. My new inspiration came while listening to their 1994 album, Ill Communication. That album has everything from funky basslines to distorted beyond recognition vocals to the smoothest raps you've ever heard to blistering loud punk rock tracks. One song, Flute Loop, showcases them taking the sound of a simple flute and turning it into one of the most head-bobbingest hip hop beats you'll ever hear. It's nothing short of incredible, and for 2016 me, inspirational.
My thoughts quickly turned into brainstorms and my brainstorms quickly turned into plans to create. I hadn't been this excited to make music since I began recording for my second album, Ripped Open, but there was a problem. I really wanted to be the producer here. I really wanted this project to be completely created by me. I'd done research on producing equipment and software, but it never really got off the ground. I wanted to be able to loop sounds the way I heard the Beastie Boys loop on Flute Loop. It never happened, and to this day I don't know anything about music production. I also didn't want to be the only rapper on the project. I wanted to take more of a Dr. Dre approach and make beats for others and compile the dopest collection of songs so completely creative that no one else could have ever possibly made it but me.
The title of this project was going to be called Rugrat Presents: Waiting in the Buffet Line and it was going to be my first ever mixtape of over the top creative musical concoctions. It was going to feature a plethora of artists whom I've met over the years, and it was probably going to take a couple years to complete. I wanted to call it Waiting in the Buffet Line because when you're in line at a buffet there's always so many options of food to choose from. That's what this mixtape was going to be. An endless variety of sounds and artists and takes and perspectives and frankly the wildest collection of sound I could possibly come up with. And it was going to be dope as fuck. I even had the cover planned out. It was going to be in black and white, much like the Ill Communication cover, and it was going to be a picture taken at the pre-release party which was going to be at - you guessed it, a buffet somewhere. I was going to invite everyone who had ever supported me up to that time to come and enjoy a buffet with good company and get a then-coverless version of my new mixtape. I wanted to make shirts and have people wear them while in line at the buffet, and from behind, I was going to take the picture that was going to be mixtape's cover.
Unfortunately, life and depression got the better of me and plans for this mixtape fell through the cracks. Underachiever is still my most recent project to date, and Waiting in the Buffet Line will most likely only exist in this blog post. While I do have another project in the pipeline due out this year, I thought it would be a nice time for me to take out a few minutes to share this reflection of what could have been with whoever chooses to read this. I think sharing ideas and brainstorms with others is one of the most fun things to do, and I hope to not only reflect more on what could have been but also analyze things that do come to fruition in the future. Long live Waiting in the Buffet Line. Elements that were going to be on that mixtape aren't forgotten, and most likely will show up in future Rugrat releases.
Thanks so much for reading.
-j
Following my October 2015 album release, underachiever (and proud of it), I was feeling a bit burned out from music. I had released 4 albums in 5 years dating back to 2011 with hardly anything to show for it. Juggling so much musical output on top working full time took its mental toll for sure, but I was very satisfied and happy with my own personal successes. Rugrat is something I never want to give up, as it gives me an outlet not a lot of people have. I'm grateful for that and for the music I've grown so fond of. Hip hop and rap as an art form is truly an amazing form of expression and release of emotions. That in itself can be so powerful if used correctly. So many aspiring artists use it for fame and fortune, but I've always used it as a way to express myself in a way I was never able to do before. Yeah, I'd throw in a braggadocio track now and again, but that's embedded within the naturally competitive nature that is rap music. I love that and the freedom music brings, especially in hip hop.
I've gone through an incredible DIY musical journey over the years, from starting off with really just goofing off on my first album trying to recreate the 'nerdcore' sound I'd learned from artists such as MC Lars and mc chris to trying to get more personal and deep on successive projects but always trying to put my own spin on it (or add my own 'flavor', as MC Lars would say). I started off wanting to be like mc chris but found myself along the way. The deeper I got into my music, the more I grew as an artist. I really came full circle on album 4 when the artist I tried to emulate on album 1 agreed to do album 4's intro. That was something really special to me. Thank you, Chris.
But then somewhere along the line, maybe it was during the recording of underachiever or sometime soon after, I felt a strong mental burnout happening. I remember it wasn't until early 2016 when I even started thinking of the possibility of a new album. Then it hit me. I wasn't going to record and release another typical Rugrat album. It was going to be different. It was going to be new. It was going to be completely out of my comfort zone, and I was excited.
If you've ever listened to the Beastie Boys, you know that they are extremely experimental and outside the box. They pride themselves off that. My new inspiration came while listening to their 1994 album, Ill Communication. That album has everything from funky basslines to distorted beyond recognition vocals to the smoothest raps you've ever heard to blistering loud punk rock tracks. One song, Flute Loop, showcases them taking the sound of a simple flute and turning it into one of the most head-bobbingest hip hop beats you'll ever hear. It's nothing short of incredible, and for 2016 me, inspirational.
My thoughts quickly turned into brainstorms and my brainstorms quickly turned into plans to create. I hadn't been this excited to make music since I began recording for my second album, Ripped Open, but there was a problem. I really wanted to be the producer here. I really wanted this project to be completely created by me. I'd done research on producing equipment and software, but it never really got off the ground. I wanted to be able to loop sounds the way I heard the Beastie Boys loop on Flute Loop. It never happened, and to this day I don't know anything about music production. I also didn't want to be the only rapper on the project. I wanted to take more of a Dr. Dre approach and make beats for others and compile the dopest collection of songs so completely creative that no one else could have ever possibly made it but me.
The title of this project was going to be called Rugrat Presents: Waiting in the Buffet Line and it was going to be my first ever mixtape of over the top creative musical concoctions. It was going to feature a plethora of artists whom I've met over the years, and it was probably going to take a couple years to complete. I wanted to call it Waiting in the Buffet Line because when you're in line at a buffet there's always so many options of food to choose from. That's what this mixtape was going to be. An endless variety of sounds and artists and takes and perspectives and frankly the wildest collection of sound I could possibly come up with. And it was going to be dope as fuck. I even had the cover planned out. It was going to be in black and white, much like the Ill Communication cover, and it was going to be a picture taken at the pre-release party which was going to be at - you guessed it, a buffet somewhere. I was going to invite everyone who had ever supported me up to that time to come and enjoy a buffet with good company and get a then-coverless version of my new mixtape. I wanted to make shirts and have people wear them while in line at the buffet, and from behind, I was going to take the picture that was going to be mixtape's cover.
Unfortunately, life and depression got the better of me and plans for this mixtape fell through the cracks. Underachiever is still my most recent project to date, and Waiting in the Buffet Line will most likely only exist in this blog post. While I do have another project in the pipeline due out this year, I thought it would be a nice time for me to take out a few minutes to share this reflection of what could have been with whoever chooses to read this. I think sharing ideas and brainstorms with others is one of the most fun things to do, and I hope to not only reflect more on what could have been but also analyze things that do come to fruition in the future. Long live Waiting in the Buffet Line. Elements that were going to be on that mixtape aren't forgotten, and most likely will show up in future Rugrat releases.
Thanks so much for reading.
-j
Wednesday, February 5, 2020
Spoken Ink is back with that fresh new flavor!!!
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