Weightless: Welcome Back, Rugrat

With the release of my brand new song, Weightless, today marks the day I make my official return to music. I'm officially in album mode, as they say. But how did I get here? My last album was in 2015, what's up with the giant time gap? From 2011 to 2015, I released four albums under the name Rugrat. From 2016 to 2020, so far, it's been crickets (no pun intended on track 8 of my underachiever album). A lot has changed since I was in my musical heyday of the early 2010's. Hell, I was also doing YouTube videos, working full time + attending college full time as well. Without getting into too many gloomy details, let's just say my life went off the rails for a bit around 2016 and to this day I'm still working to be able to say I'm happy again, whatever that means. I had the time of my life making those YouTube videos and all those albums. I met some of the best people I've ever met because of my decision to get into the music scene. People like Prophet Ghost, MC Lars, Tonezee, UpWords, The Nerdlucks, and I even got to connect with some family members of whom I had never met before. That happened because of music (shoutout to Daredevil Dekeman!) and I'll forever be grateful for all of it. Then, somewhere between 2015 and 2016, it all stopped.

Like I said, I'd rather not get into allll the details, for I haven't even worked through everything yet and I'd rather not project into something like this blog that's supposed to be positive. But while I aim for positivity, I can't ignore the elephant in the room. Let me explain. It was 2017, and I felt like everything in my life was literally spiraling out of control. Everything I thought I had, I didn't. Everything I worked so hard for seemingly fell apart. The last thing I wanted to do was do anything creative. What was supposed to be my 2016/2017 album Paper Raps never happened, I hadn't filmed anything for YouTube in at least three years, I'd dropped out of college because of mental health problems, my role model/mentor/boss/father figure got let go from the job I'd had since 2006 and I didn't know what the hell I was doing anymore.  

It was the morning of July 20th, 2017, and I go outside to find that my car had been repossessed because of missed payments. Mental breakdown #1 that day. I call into work and say that I can't make it in because I don't have a car. They threaten to fire me because I 'could just call an Uber' and that it's my 'responsibility to be there.' I explain that I didn't have a dime to my name, and if I did, I would have Ubered in the first place and that my car payments would be taken care of. They didn't care, and said we needed to talk tomorrow. Mental breakdown #2. I do my best to compose myself and not just spend the whole day a wreck so I boot up my Xbox and listen to Tyler, The Creator's new Flower Boy album & Jay Z's new 4:44 album. Trying to get in a zone and I pause my game, log into Twitter, only to find that the lead singer from Linkin Park had passed away. I couldn't believe it. I grew up listening to Hybrid Theory and Meteora. That absolutely devastated me. It didn't take too long to see what his cause of death was. Suicide. Mental breakdown #3. That one sent me. Without saying too much, it sent me to the edge that day. I, too, attempted, and thank God I failed.

The last radio hit Linkin Park had was called Heavy. That song has always hit different, and after that day, it became almost impossible to listen to. Heavy was Chester's cry for help, singing "I wanna let go, but there's comfort in the panic." I named my song Weightless because, well, it's my way of trying to leave that negative space that became so comfortable. That dark space that Chester, unfortunately, wasn't able to escape. Something being weightless is literally the opposite of being heavy. So in a way, Chester helped me write this song. Trying to overcome those struggles is the main inspiration for Weightless.

 

Later this year I'll finally release my new album Exhale. Because after all I've been through, I just need to take a deep breath and let it out. I'm grateful to have music to help me do that. July 20th has always been a challenging day for me since then, but today and moving forward I'm taking it back. This song is also for Chester, may he rest in peace, and everyone else who struggles with mental health. It's hard as shit to overcome, I know. I still have frequent panic attacks to this day. But every day is a journey and another chance for things to look up. It won't always be so heavy. I'm trying hard to be weightless.<3

-john. happy weightless day.

 Listen to Weightless here<3